#100poeticanswers 16: How Did The Tudors Get Online?

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March 29, 2017 by Sez

This is a question from James, for whom the revelation that the Tudors didn’t have electricity raised a conundrum.

King Henry the Eighth he was feeling frustrated

And getting quite bored which was something he hated.

He called on his courtier Tymme Burnerres Leighe 

And demanded “You need to do something for me:

I want to select a sweet maiden for marriage 

And bid on a new horse and maybe a carriage

I need a new jester for making me laugh

But one who can’t see me when taking a bath.

I want all the news from the neighbouring nations

But parliament causes me such indignation 

Though banquets are always considered a treat

Sometimes I would rather stay home and just eat!

I need you to make me a thingamajig 

That makes all this happen. It needn’t be big. 

A clever contraption I hold in my hand

That brings me the news from all over the land.”

So Tymme he bowed low and to Henry he said

“Sire, consider it done” (for he valued his head)

And he thought and he thought till he had an idea

Like a great blinding flash it was suddenly clear

So he rigged up a tablet of finest black slate

And a piece of white chalk for his dear head of state 

and the chalk had a filigree handle so fine

Which in turn was held up by some pieces of twine 

And one was attached to a lady in waiting, 

Who’d draw all the women the king could be dating

And one line went down to a man at the stable

When horses were sold he would yank on the cable

Another was held by a consummate fool

Who drew funny cartoons with the delicate tool

And one line led to parliament. This could be used

To relay all important political news 

To the kitchens, of course, one more line would lead back

To be pulled when his majesty fancied a snack.

The king, when he saw it, was really delighted

And Tymme Burnerres Leighe was immediately knighted

And given a house and a sizeable pension

And everyone asked what he called his invention.

Sir Tymme said “I haven’t perfected it yet.

It still needs some work. But I thought: ‘Tudornet.'”


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